Broken Morning News
Lantern and strip light sales explode... literally!
London, 02.02.2069 by A.W.
Everyone has their moment in the starlight, but some burn quicker than others.
Since the breaking of the morning, shoppers have gone barking mad for lanterns and strip lights.
One mad shopper – a professional dog walker called Rachel La Lunette – was seen purchasing ten round lanterns from Dinosaur, London’s chicest store for ‘literally everything’.
The young woman was then observed exiting the store and climbing a very tall tree.
‘She had attached the ten globes to her legs and arms and head with what looked like doggy leads,’ said one witness, a masseur from Dagenham.
Once she had reached the top of the tree, she plugged the ten globes into a car battery that – police later confirmed – she had borrowed from her Uncle Raoul’s garage.
‘Three, two, one,’ she counted down, before switching the battery on.
‘Light exploded from her like a nebula,’ said one starry-eyed saxophonist from the Royal Military Band.
‘I’m a star! I’m a star!’ cried La Lunette.
But then disaster struck.
‘I knew something was wrong with that tree the moment I saw it,’ said a police officer who had been called to the scene. ‘It placed one of its twigs in a very suggestive fashion on the victim’s leg. This startled her, causing her to accidentally rip the lead out of the top of the battery.’
The battery sparked, setting fire to the tree. And Rachel La Lunette toppled from the tree like a falling star in a dazzling display of light!